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31 May 2008 @ 09:15 pm
Life is funny, isn't it?  Half of the time, it's a dream.  The other half, it's a nightmare.  But all in all, it's just one night.  Because from day to night, the day never ends.  It's an eternity of sleeping, you never wake up, and you never live from day to day.  It's all a countinous, never ending, day.  We don't live in the same day though.  No one lives in the same day. 

Just think about that.  No yesterday, no tomorrow.  Just today.  Forever, never another day.
29 May 2008 @ 09:19 pm
Greatness, and being superior, is a necessity to me.  I have a drive that pushes me to win.  Second place has never been something to be proud of in my eyes.   The Bands of Robinson, we are great.  We truly are superior.  Blair Smith is the reason we have achieved the things we have, and I respect him, and I hope that one day my band will be as great, as the Bands of Robinson.  

The concert today went acceptionally well in my opinion.  There were places where I was quite aware that I fucked up, but what is so brilliant about music, is that you're never alone (unless your a soloist) and people are there to back you up.  The band is my family.   We have each others backs.  On the band field, we are united, and it is our duty to work off one another.  We judge our place on the field by where our fellow man stands.  We give each other commands.  On the stage, we let people take a break on their lips and yo ucover their part for them, and vis versa.  We always help clean up, chairs, stands, music, instruments.  But that's not it.  If you look around, at lunch, you see that all the band kids sit together.  If you go to the parking lots, you'll see a group of people in the band standing together around the car.  When you go out to dinner, you'll see a table of band kids eating together.  Go to the mall on saturdays, and you'll run into a group of us. 

Band is my life.  It's not a class, or an activity.  It's a way of life.  I live, eat, breathe it.  If you watch me walk down the hall at school, you'll catch my fingers moving, and my mouth humming a certain tune.  Or you'll hear me whistling, or pounding the beat of a song on a desk.  Music is an incredible thing.  It owns me, it carries me, and it moves through me.  It expresses that which cannot be said, and on which it is impossible to be silent.  It's better than any psychiatrist, or friend.  Because it won't hurt you, it won't yell at you, and it won't tell you you're wrong.  It simply lets you think.  And sometimes that's all you need.

So tonight I said goodbye, and we sat on the same stage, under the same bright lights, and we performed.

Amber, Kristina, Melinda, BT, Deanna, Daniel, Lindsay, Ashton, Scott, Amelia, Brianna, Kevin, Joseph, Andrew, and James...I love you.  And it was an honor for me to perform with you tonight.

I love storms.  People often hate them, because the weather is so rainy and miserable, and the wind tears trees down.

But I love it, I love the wind, the rain, the thunder, and the lightning.

But mostly the thunder, the power it has.  It rips through everything to make it's presence known.  So powerful, and so mighty.  If only I could have a voice as huge as it's. 

18 May 2008 @ 08:44 pm

Let's face it, we are ALWAYS talking about all the reasons it sucks to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, etc.

This is just for laughs... but it's about damn time we relished a little in our blessings.

  1. Always celebrating and fighting for love.
  2. Gay Kingdom
  3. “Coming Out” is good practice for living honestly.
  4. Apparently, almost everything is “sooo gay”… who’s a minority???
  5. They're always talking about us.
  6. Everyone thinks we have the power to bring civilization to it’s knees.
  7. No male and female "role models" doing as good a job as your parents did. (ha)
  8. Secret society, anyone?
  9. Everyone likes a rebel… and everyone seems to think we are.
  10. We’re really handy…
  11. And tongue-in-cheek!
  12. Rainbow is the new black.
  13. We can dance like Ellen and people STILL cheer.
  14. To give is better than to receive.
  15. No shortage of women friends with pick up trucks when it comes time to move.
  16. The gay mafia! Like Queer eye for the straight Godfather!
  17. You  can always count on your girlfriend to have a spare tampon.
  18. Not having to shave anything you don’t want to.
  19. Hitler, Mussolini, and Stalin weren’t.
  20. Bush, Castro, and Santorum aren’t.
  21. Neither was Jack the Ripper or Saddam Hussein- get the picture?
  22. Everyone just forgets about the “S” part of GSA.
  23. Everyone thinks we know everything.
  24. We get our identity crisis' out of the way early.
  25. Everyone knows that fairies can fly!
  26. Somehow no one's on us for having interracial relationships.
  27. Over 500 other couples come to our courthouse weddings.
  28. We have taken the longest walk down the isle towards marriage in the history of the world.
  29. We own Rocky Horror.
  30. The only sex objects we have are those who want to be,
  31. If we don't want to be sex objects, we buy them.
  32. LOGO
  33. Lesbian superpowers!
  34. No one misleads us about our sex in Sex Ed.
  35. We're not afraid of "Bears".
  36. No mother in laws for women to deal with.
  37. No over protective fathers for men.
  38. We can call anyone "girlfriend" whether or not they are a girl or a friend.
  39. Sex is never shameful.
  40. The camera loves us.
  41. Our flag is prettier.
  42. So are our men.
  43. And our women are more handsome.
  44. Sometimes sex is just sex.
  45. We truly don't care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
  46. Trannys do it both ways!
  47. Bisexuals have <i>all</i> the fun!
  48. Love that dare not speak it's name refuses to shut up!
  49. The oppressed ones always look better in pictures.
  50. Similar stamina… all night long.
  51. The history behind the history. A thousand years of queers.
  52. Gay Penguins!!!
  53. Some men just look better in eye liner…
  54. Some women just don’t.
  55. Because men don’t need therapy in the bedroom.
  56. Because sometimes women do.
  57. Why limit yourself to just one or two sex organs? It’s all about the sexy hip bones.
  58. Two heads are better than one.
  59. Blacks, women, and <i>now</i> GLBT… the path is clear for change.
  60. We got Jolie.
  61. AND Madonna.
  62. And Alanis Morrisette, Elton John, and Jewel.
  63. No down sides to a ménage à trios: everyone wins!
  64. Who wants the straight and narrow anyways?
  65. Stopping the over population of the planet, one queer kiss at a time.
  66. That which bends does not break- open mindedness.
  67. Straight people don't get parades!
  68. No one doubts our fashion sense, even if it sucks.
  69. Dental dams come in more colors and flavors than condoms.
  70. 1,000,001 gender expressions.
  71. No unplanned pregnancies
  72. After your tenth, you get a toaster!
  73. Fewer STD's
  74. Supply matches demand perfectly
  75. Great minds think alike!
  76. All kinds of people want to cuddle!
  77. You are your own form of birth control
  78. We’re the life of the party.
  79. Double the wardrobe, double the fun.
  80. Real orgasms
  81. Everyone loves a gay cowboy… or cowgirl, for that matter.
  82. The toilet seat stays where you want it.
  83. <i>8000<i> nerve endings in one small place. Men will never understand.
  84. Bathrooms are segregated by gender.
  85. So are locker rooms
  86. Dorms
  87. and sports teams.
  88. We never get ignored.
  89. You can’t feel like a piece of meet when you’re to busy ogling back!
  90. Pets listen better.
  91. Who wants 2.5 kids anyways?
  92. Lesbians are low carb.
  93. You don't have to tote condoms everywhere-
  94. or deal with used ones.
  95. No one teases us for listening to disco or bubble gum pop.
  96. We’re in every holy book! We must be blessed!
  97. People actually listen when you talk fashion.
  98. You can get your hair done together.
  99. It's boring to always think you're right.
  100. YMCA is more than just an overplayed song: it’s an anthem!
  101. The other side is so pathetically stupid. http://www.literaryillusions.com/opinions/2008/04/gay-marriage-ba/
14 May 2008 @ 07:42 pm
The last concerts of the year are coming up and they are going to be incredible.

On the 22nd I'm playing with the Jazz Band, and then on the 29th, I'll be playing with the symphonic band. One of the pieces we'll be playing on the twenty ninth is called 'Of Sailors and Whales', and the song is based on Mobey Dick.  It's roughly a fourteen to eighteen minute piece according to Mr. Smith.  But seriously, I am extremely excited.

Tuesday the new drum major will be announced.  I considered trying out, and a lot of people wanted me to, but I dont want to give up marching.  I realize it would look great on my college applications to say  I was a drum major, but I love to march, to play, and to be out of breath at the end of the show.  

What is upsetting however, is that twenty five percent of my family will be leaving.  I love these guys so much.  It just doesn't seem fair that we lose 25% of our best players, and gain 25% of people who have no clue what they're doing.  Oh well.
11 May 2008 @ 07:03 pm
 I guess there's a lot for me to catch up on.

Life isn't going so great right now.

The other night I got a concussion.  I hit my head really hard, and I had this huge welt on the top of my head.  All of a sudden Kyle said something to me and I got really mad.  I kicked his bookbag off the porch and started throwing anything around me at him.  Then I went inside and I tried to sleep in my mom's room on the dog bed.  I couldn't walk very well, so I just lay there and waited to fall asleep.  Then Kyle came inside and my mom started to yell at me.  With my eyes still closed, I lifted my arms and started to sling them in the direction I heard her voice coming from.   I felt my hand hit her face, and suddenly I felt hands hitting me all over.  I didn't even care.  I just wanted to sleep.  So she drug me downstairs, and I fell asleep.

The next day, my mom found some alcohol that I had left over.  I've been meaning to get rid of it for a while, but I never got around to it.  In a way, I think maybe I wanted to get caught.  After all, I left it out in the open.  Anyone who walked into the storage room would have noticed it.  I never really drink.  I mean, I've never been drunk, and I've never even finished a can of anything in my life.  But mom decided that I'd been having people come into our house and drink in the middle of the night while everyone was asleep upstairs.  She wants to move me out of my room, upstairs, and put a padlock on my door.  I refuse.  I won't be treated like a prisoner.

And on mothers day, one day after, mom and I continued to fight over the events of the two previous days.  We were going to go out later to CVS, and as we were backing up mom hit the back of the truck on Bree's little car.  I started laughing. I thought it was funny that out of the three cars we own, three of them were now part of a wreck.  Of course there was little damage on these two cars, but mom was upset, started crying, and I felt like an asshole.  

So now, I'm wondering what to do.  Still feeling like an asshole, but more than anything, I'm just pissed off.
04 May 2008 @ 02:05 pm
 I went to church this morning.  I wanted so badly to go.  I searched for someone to give me a ride there since my family was out of town.  So I called Ric and Dava.  They are an older couple.  Dava married Ric after her husband passed away.  They are so incredible, and I consider them my grandparents, just as much as my own grandparents.  

They took me out for breakfast, and we laughed with people from other churches in the area, talking about all sorts of things.  From there, we went to Church for Sunday School.  Mr. Shrek, the Senior High Sunday School teacher was gone today, so Sherrie, our new Youth Director came in to teach a lesson, and Ric joined us.  At first we were talking about how the Isrealites would do wrong (this is in the old testement) and God would forgive them.  They would do wrong and God would forgive them.  Time after time after time.  And we talked about no matter what choices we make in life, God doesn't make them for us, he wants us to do what is right, but no matter what, he'll forgive us.  So while we were talking about the recent choices we have made in life, good or bad, I brought up that I am no longer continuing a relationship with my father.  Ric then said on the other hand, that when he divorced his first wife, he wasn't allowed to see his daughter.  So he never knew her.  And now she refuses to talk or have any kind of relationship with me, and he said how hard that is.  Even though it wasn't his choice. And then Sherrie talked about her disfunctional family, and before long the entire room was crying.  And we just laughed and talked about how our church is a big family.  I have never seen a church that cries as much as mine.  During sunday school, and in regular service, people can just ball their eyes out about anything.  We open up to each other.  I mean, just two weeks ago at the luncheon, Ric, Dava, and I were talking and before long we all just started crying.  People cry a LOT at my church.  And it's because we trust, love, and care about one another so much, that we talk about the most sacred, or secret things in our lives.  

During the time of prayer after taking communion, I prayed.  It's been a long time since I've prayed.  God, please help me.  I know I did wrong, I knew before I did it that what I was doing was wrong.  I knew what would happen, and I'm so sorry.  I know that I'll never do that again.  I know that I'll sneak out on some nights, I know I'll cheat, and I know I'll lie.  But I'll try not to.  I'll try.  I don't want to get in trouble God.  I can't get in trouble.  Please just let things end right here, I can't have my parents find out.  Please just help me God.  I just need you to help me.

After Church, a small group of us all went out to Lunch.  Just as we do every sunday.  We went to Bob Evans, and Ric sat next to me.  We played tic tac toe, and the six of us at our table talked about childhood stories.  Lunch was great.

Then I got back in the car, and Ric and Dava drove me home.  We talked and talked, and as I got out of the car, Ric told me he loved me...for at least the fifth time that day.  I love that man so much.  I haven't known him as long as Dava, but somehow I love him more.  At my church, we say I love you a lot.  And everyone means it.  Mrs. Rhonda, we always say I love you.  Bob, Mr.Brown, Mr. Williams, Pam, everyone.  We always say I love you.  And we always mean it.

I have to change.  and I'm going to. I won't do anything like I have been doing for so long now ever again.  Nothing.  I'm going straight.  Not like that.  I'm going to act normal.  I'm not going straight, I'm staying gay.  But I'm going to change.  I have to.  For Ric, for Dava, for my mom, for Robyn, for Kelly, for Kyle, for Savannah, for ME!!!
29 April 2008 @ 08:50 pm
Name three life-changing experiences you went through and explain why you chose those experiences in particular.
 1. Divorce

When my parents divorced, it made me realize just how much I had endured.  I realized the pain, and I finally understood that the things I was put through, were wrong.  I didn't deserve to be hit, I didn't deserve to be yelled at, and abused.  It didn't stop, but at least I learned that I deserved better.  That no one deserves that.

2. Car

That was the biggest mistake of my life.  I learned that there was a side to me I never knew.  I learned that I was just like him.  And I learned that crimes of passion, do exist.

3. Grandma

The death of my Grandma, woke me up.  Made me realize how important my family is to me.  It was that moment that I knew how precious time is.  It made me see that there are more important things than repitition, and habit.  School is important.  Friends are important.  But your family is your blood, who you are, where you come from.  There is nothing more important than that.
27 April 2008 @ 10:33 pm

What's my name:

What's my nickname:

How long have you known me:

How would you describe me:

What is it about me that you like most:

What type of music do I like:

What is my favorite flavor of lollipop:

What do I spend most of my time doing:

What school stereotype(s) do I fit:

What is my favorite sport:

Where was I born:

What is your favorite memory of me:

Do I like animals:

Is my family important to me:

What do we have in common:

Which way do I wear my hat:

Am I in a relationship:

Can you talk to me about anything:

What's my favorite TV show:

Am I fun to be around:

Can I make people laugh:

Am I timid or outgoing:

Am I a good cook:

If you had one night alone with me, what would we do:

Do you enjoy spending time with me:

What do I want to do when I graduate:

What color are my eyes:

What's my best feature:

What kind of animal best represents me and why:

Am I an outdoors kind of person:

Am I paper, rock, or scissors and why:

23 April 2008 @ 08:56 pm
What is your definition of cheating?
 Anything that you do, knowing full well that it would hurt the person you're with if they knew.

It's funny just how much that's happened to me.

Now, A quiz I stole form........:Toni refuses to let me say her name, but Toni always knows what's best for me, she has since sixth grade when we first met and became bffs.

-Does anyone call you babe?
Not lately, but I think maybe someone does.
-Regular Cheetos or hot?
Regular most of the time, but hot are great when I'm in the mood for soemthing with a kick.
-How's your heart lately?
Eh.  I miss a lot of people, so I guess it's in pain.  But I'm doing okay.
-Favorite fruit?
-Relationship status?
Single, and happier now than ever before.
-Are you scared of spiders?
No...okay, yeah.  I'm terrified of them.
-Do you have a piercing?
-Are you pregnant?
Yes, I the lesbian, and the virgin, am pregnant.  NO!
-If someone doesn't like you, its usually because...?
Oddly enough, most homophobes like me, so I can't say that.  But, most of the time it's because we've been in some kind of fight.
-Kissed someone in the last twenty-four hours?
Absolutly not, and I'm glad.  I'm not interested in anything relationshipy right now.  I've been fucked up worse than ever before, so I need a break.
-Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
No, never.
-How long does it take for you to take a shower?
Um, roughly four to ten minutes.
-Have you ever stolen a sign or been with someone while they did it?
Haha, yeah.  I have a picture of it too.  Dormas Miller, in Tennessee.
-Do you like being around a large group of friends, or two best friends?
I'm a big people person, so a large group of friends suits me well.
-Ever bit someone else’s tongue?
I highly doubt it.
-Whose birthday is coming up?
I dunno.
-Do you like roller coasters?
Love them.
-What's the best feeling in the world?
The one I get when I'm around my family.
-Do you wear contacts?
-Do you have a tattoo?
I will one day.
-What is wrong with you right now?
I'm not getting enough sleep
-What was the last movie you went to?
I can't remember.  That's sad isn't it?
-What is the last movie you watched?
Uh...probably Hit Man
-Do you care what others think about you?
Nope.  Not even my best friends.
-Do think you'll be married in 10 years?
Doubt it.  Maybe in a Civil Union
-Do you plan on moving out within the next year?
No.  But as soon as I graduate, I'm gone!
-Are you afraid of the dark?
Nope, I love it when it's pitch black.
-Do you like your life at the moment?
It's alright.  I wish my family were closer to me.  They're all I think about.
-Ever talked to someone that was drunk?
Many a time!
-Can you handle the truth?
Yes, even if some people think I can't, I can.
-Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
Kinda.  You know, I never talk to her in person if I don't have to, but I guess I try to talk to her online some.
-Where were you last night?
All over I guess.
-What Kind of shirt are you wearing?
United States Navy
-Last person you fought with?
-How late did you stay up last night?
I dunno.
-Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you?
-Are any rumors going around about you?
Doubt it.  People may say shit, but people know it's just shit.  I'm not the type people make rumors about.
-Did you ever lose a best friend?
-Have you ever gotten mad because somebody said they'd call you and they didn't?
Not mad, maybe upset.
-What are you afraid of the most?
I don't fear anything the most. 
1) Do you like blue cheese?
2) Have you ever smoked heroin?
3) Do you own a gun?
No, but I hope too.
4) What flavor do you add to your drink at sonic?
I don't.
5) Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
6) What do you think of hot dogs?
Stack them with condiments and they are the shit.
7) Favorite Christmas song?
I dont like Christmas Sons.
8) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Water or mountain dew
9) Can you do push ups?
I can do 40 in a minute, but then I can keep going beyond that.
10) Can you do a chin up?
11) What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
Just one ring that I wear, or my dogtag
12) Favorite hobby?
Band and Soccr
13) Ever been in a car wreck?
Not a car wreck, but a blowout.
14) Do you have A.D.D.
15) What's one trait that you love about yourself?
I'm really dedicated, loyal, trustworthy, laid back,funny, nice, caring, compassionate, loving...everything you'd expect from a good dog.
16) Last name?
17) Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
I miss my grandma.  I can't wait to get a letter from my Uncle Camiel.  And....the other one I can't say here.
18) Name 3 things you bought yesterday?
Katie's food.
I dunno.
19) Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?
Mountain Dew
Dr Pepper
20) Current worry?
I'm not worried
21) Current hate right now?
23) How did you bring in the New Year?
I hung out with a bunch of my best friends, and kept wondering what the hell my girlfriend was doing behind my back.
24) where would you like to go?
25) Name three people who will complete this?
I dunno.
26) Do you own slippers?
I think the dog ate them
27) What shirt are you wearing?
You already asked this question
28) Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
Eh, they're nice, but when I have a bad night and start to sweat, they're pretty nasty.
29) Can you whistle?
30) Favorite color?
It varies from day to day.
31) Would you be a pirate?
Probably not.
32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
haha, probably My Girl, and a bunch of other shit.
33) Favorite girl's name?
I dunno.
34) Favorite boy's name?
I don't have pockets.
36) Last thing that made you laugh?
37) What was on your bed sheets as a child?
Winnie the Pooh
38) Worst injury you've ever had?
Having my heart destroyed.
39) Do you love where you live?
Hate it.
40) How many TVs do you have in your house/apartment?
41) Who is your loudest friend?
42) How many dogs do you have?
43) Does someone love you?
My family.
45) What are you currently reading?
Nothing, I refuse to read
46) What is your favorite candy?
Kit Kat, Twix, or Crunch
47) Favorite Sports Team?
Green Bay Packers
48) What song do you want played at your funeral?
I don't think about those kidns of things
49) What were you doing 12 AM last night?
I dunno
50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
What time is it?